Thursday, October 13, 2011

the day I became another statistic

If I thought that anyone out there really cared about why I have allowed my blog to grow cob webs, my explanation would start's a little ditty about a woman who needs 5 more hours in a day. And you (all being crazy busy people yourself) would say yeah yeah welcome to the club lady, the line starts back --------------->there.

So instead of bitching about how blessed I am to have such an active and full life, I'm going to tell you how I have gotten it (semi) under control. When I say control, I mean me, as in me not feeling like I'm losing the last few shreds of nerves, patience, sanity and non gray hairs that I have left. This doesn't mean that I'm going to blog regularly again, or become Paula Dean in a smaller body. What it does mean though is that I have noticed in the last 2 years that I am not myself. And I want me back.

It started off very slow and gradually over time has gotten worse. On the outside most people don't notice. I still act, love and pray the same most of the time. But things that have never stressed me out were starting to bother me.
More and more.
Bit by bit.
I've been home with 3 kids all under the age of 6 before, a husband traveling constantly and a bank account that left any entertainment up to my imagination. That was no sweat.

As my kids have gotten older certain things have gotten easier and some things have gotten more deliberate. That's to be expected. When I added college student to my repertoire of things to do in a day, I think I threw myself into an unhealthy cycle that (at times) had me feeling like I was drowning. It took me a while but I sent out an SOS call and got some help. My kids and husband are awesome people, so I think that it was even that much harder for me to vocalize certain feelings, because I know it could be so much worse.
But I did speak up and what I learned is
I can't do it all.
There I said it, dammit.
I want to do it all.
I want to be an awesome mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, scholar, citizen, Catholic, you name it and I want it. I'm realizing that by trying to be it all, I was slowly loosing me.
And-well-I like me, and I decided to get me back.

Through talking with my husband, children, friends and doctor; I've come to terms with-dusty baseboards are ok, not being at everything at my kids schools is ok and sandwiches 2 times a week isn't going to kill anyone. I believe that I am now on a path to less anxiety and more of a path that appreciates achievements. It doesn't mean that my life has gotten any less crazy, but it does mean that I am choosing to
and decide
what I'm going to do, instead of just reacting.

And awesome or not, I'm still going to be me.

And that feels pretty good.


The Campbells said...

YOU are awesome and that is why you are sooooo loved. Take care and have fun, no one is going to look at your baseboards if they are truly your friend.

Kristin said...

I hear you! And, guess what? My baseboards only get cleaned if company is coming for longer than a few hours. It's okay!