Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hi Honey I'm home....

The day before we left to go to Louisiana a few weeks ago, that is what my husband said when he got home. He had been out of town for 2 days, so we were all very excited to see him.

So what is any different than any other time he comes home you ask??

After the hugs and the kisses and the daddy I missed you, my husband turns to me and says the flight from Boston to Pennsylvania wasn't to good.

Not too good? I asked.

It was really really not good.

Let me just explain that my husband doesn't talk much about work, he doesn't talk about getting to and from work. He doesn't get excited to fly on private company planes and he never gets nervous about ANYTHING!!!

So for him to walk in and start talking about this, I knew it was BAD!

I'm trying to not have this story go on forever because honestly the idea of it all exhausted me and I FOUND my rainbow so I'm trying to move on.

A few of you have emailed me asking if I was OK and I appreciated that more than you know. I have been offered counseling sessions all the way from Acworth Georgia to Minnesota! And believe me your sweet words made me laugh, sometimes in inappropriate places.
Yes I check my emails on my phone when I'm not suppose to :)

Brian thought his plane was going down. And so did the other 6 passengers on the plane. They hit wind shear right before they started to land, it turned the plane sideways, shook them around and basically he thought he might need to try and call me because it was looking so good.

So he tells me this story and all his raw feelings and basically I took them and I stored them. I stored them in that same part of my brain where I put all the rude comments I have heard from people over the years. That same place where I am a little girl not knowing which way is up and if my mother really loves me.Only to realize later in life it had nothing to do with any of them and all to do with my self esteem

The spot in my brain where all the things that have been saved up for a really long time. Because really you just don't want to go there. And now that part of my brain is saying, "honey there is no more room at the inn".

And then what happens after we come home from Louisiana. Brian gets on another plane for his next business trip and I lay in our bed with my 3 babies and try to sleep. Only my brain is SO done with holding all this nonsense crap in my mind, that it starts to play them back to me again, in hopes of getting rid of them.

In every dream I was somewhere different. In a classroom, in my house, somewhere, but I was sad in every dream and my husband was never around.

So I'm thinking that starting the college process right now and Brian's experience are obviously bothering me more than I was admitting.

And then Tuesday was the day that it all came pouring out of me. I was typing in my journal about just a few little things and then my flood gates opened and hold on to your knickers fellas, because it was on.

I sat down with my hubby last night and went over all these fears and weird dreams I was having. I explained to him about my rainbow (he knows my feelings about signs and things happening for a reason and he doesn't laugh at me anymore or ask to take my temperature :) I think he is really starting to understand them now)

Obviously the idea of losing my husband was much more than my subconscious could take. And instead of always trying to keep it together and store it away, I need to let this things out.

My brain is thanking me for this.

So I'm compiling some of my memories that have stuck with me for WHATEVER reason through the years.

I'm writing them and then I'm burning them.
Don't ask me why because honestly I don't know why.
It sounded good and I really need some REAL sleep :)

Where does a sleep deprived rainbow chasing woman start??

How about with the teacher in 5th grade that told me in front of the whole class, I would never amount to anything in life because my handwriting was so bad, yes I'm a lefty!

I'm not boring you with the rest but I have to say, I'm feeling better already girls!!


I'm just me... said...

You poor thing! That had to have been terrifying for your hubby and for you later when you found out about the flight. I can't imagine how you both felt.

The nasty teacher was obviously wrong. Look at you! Even though I don't know you personally, I do know that you are a great momma and that's no easy accomplishment.

Carey-Life in the Carpool Lane said...

Whoa...that is scary and your reaction to is is so normal. Good for you for writing stuff down and burning I was reading about your horrible 5th grade teacher I was picturing a little memory (and all the feelings that go with it) going up in smoke.

Elizabeth said...

This is such a beautifully written post! You summed it all up and you didn't even go over the twelve million word limit of my attention.

Hold on tight. It's gonna be OK.

And as far as that teacher goes, I'm sure she died bitter and alone. (And if she's still around, I'm available to TP her house-- cause I'm generous and immature like that.)