Tuesday, March 31, 2009

90 of 365 memories....a much needed moment

When I was growing up my grandma and paw paw were a big part of my life. My mom was young when she had me and her parents help her with me. My sperm donor was not ever really a part of my life, so I don't have any remembrances of him. The first memory of a "man" in my life is of my paw paw. Maybe it's just from stories that I remember hearing over the years but whatever they are they always take me to a very good place in side of me.

My paw paw died when I was only about 10 or so, he has been gone longer than I knew him but the connection we had was strong. I was his little girls little girl and really it doesn't get much sweeter than that.

I often tell my kids stories about him and sometimes my boys will start a fishing story and say "mom remember when you said this about your paw paw". He is always around us, this I know. But sometimes I'm reminded by little things, that he is forever holding my hand and watching over me as I continue on my journey everyday.

Hannah and I pass a set of railroad tracks twice a week to go to her swim practice. We have been doing this twice a week since August. Same time, same days, every week since August. We have NEVER seen a train pass on these tracks. For the last few days I have been thinking about my paw paw more and more. My grandmother is still alive and well and lives in a retirement home about 15 minutes from me. The last few days, I've been trying to get some different things straight with her and her living arrangements and maybe that's why my paw paw has been on my mind more than usual.
Today as Hannah and I left for swim practice she asked me, why didn't we ever see a train go along the train tracks by her practice. I explained the trains run on certain times and maybe we just have always been there at the wrong time.
Today as I was sitting at my daughters practice, my paw paw came into my mind very strongly. His voice, (which sometimes I think I have forgotten and then its right there again) his eyes, he was a dark complected man with light eyes (those coon ass are mixed with only goodness knows what :) I just felt him. I don't know why but for a minute he was there and his hand was on my shoulder and everything in the world was good.
And then it was over......
How I would love to have him stay and sit with me and watch his great granddaughter swim a 100 IM.

But God gave me a moment, that I so desperately needed today and then like all good things it was gone.

And I was so thankful for that.....

And then

he was back again. As my daughter sat in the back seat jumping for joy about seeing the train here for the first time, I wiped my eyes and caught my breath and once again thanked the Lord for his beauty and for my wonderfully complicated life!!


Elizabeth said...

You've got me all weepy here.

This is so beautiful.

You know how you said you wanted to go to school to be a writer. (I still think you should), but guess what?

You already are.

The Campbells said...

Those we love are always with us.... We only notice them when we need to most. Tell your paw paw how much you love him in your dreams tonight.