the day I became another statistic

If I thought that anyone out there really cared about why I have allowed my blog to grow cob webs, my explanation would start with.....here's a little ditty about a woman who needs 5 more hours in a day. And you (all being crazy busy people yourself) would say yeah yeah welcome to the club lady, the line starts back --------------->there.

So instead of bitching about how blessed I am to have such an active and full life, I'm going to tell you how I have gotten it (semi) under control. When I say control, I mean me, as in me not feeling like I'm losing the last few shreds of nerves, patience, sanity and non gray hairs that I have left. This doesn't mean that I'm going to blog regularly again, or become Paula Dean in a smaller body. What it does mean though is that I have noticed in the last 2 years that I am not myself. And I want me back.

It started off very slow and gradually over time has gotten worse. On the outside most people don't notice. I still act, love and pray the same most of the time. But things that have never stressed me out were starting to bother me.
More and more.
Bit by bit.
I've been home with 3 kids all under the age of 6 before, a husband traveling constantly and a bank account that left any entertainment up to my imagination. That was no sweat.

As my kids have gotten older certain things have gotten easier and some things have gotten more deliberate. That's to be expected. When I added college student to my repertoire of things to do in a day, I think I threw myself into an unhealthy cycle that (at times) had me feeling like I was drowning. It took me a while but I sent out an SOS call and got some help. My kids and husband are awesome people, so I think that it was even that much harder for me to vocalize certain feelings, because I know it could be so much worse.
But I did speak up and what I learned is
I can't do it all.
There I said it, dammit.
I want to do it all.
I want to be an awesome mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, scholar, citizen, Catholic, you name it and I want it. I'm realizing that by trying to be it all, I was slowly loosing me.
And-well-I like me, and I decided to get me back.

Through talking with my husband, children, friends and doctor; I've come to terms with-dusty baseboards are ok, not being at everything at my kids schools is ok and sandwiches 2 times a week isn't going to kill anyone. I believe that I am now on a path to less anxiety and more of a path that appreciates achievements. It doesn't mean that my life has gotten any less crazy, but it does mean that I am choosing to
stop
breathe
and decide
what I'm going to do, instead of just reacting.

And awesome or not, I'm still going to be me.

And that feels pretty good.

Peace, love and back roads

On my quest for better physical fitness (aka: torturing myself) this year, I also decided to try and set my brain and spirit up for a little spiritual boot camp challenge. Letting go - or at least trying to - of silly miscellaneous things in life that sometimes weigh us down for no reason other than because it can. Some days I feel like my tank is on E and I'm on the back roads with no Shell stations in sight. And other days I find my center and everything in the world is right. I know it sounds all Gandhi like, but trying to get to a place in your head that you can find peace and clarity (even if for only a few minutes a day) is a huge task. And once your able to find it, you realize how much you have been starving for it and crave it in your life.

Awhile back as I was out on a long run (see above aka: for details) I started to have a feeling of warmth come over me. Of course it's summer in the South so I was sweating like a pig and 5 shades of blood red, but it wasn't that kind of warmth. It was a different feeling all on it's own. After I realized that I was not having a heat stroke and the baby Jesus was not coming to take me away, I started to embrace the different feeling. I had come to a point in my run where my body and mind were working together, as opposed to every other run where the battle in my brain always short changes my body. Early that day, I tried to reflect on the pains that my body was battling with, the bruised toe nails that apparently I'm going to have to learn to love, and the voice in me that always screws with me when I get to the bottom of another hill. On that day, just that day, I had beat the voice. Each day after, has brought it's own share of conflicts and moments where I wish that warmth would come back over me. Sometimes it does and other times I'm to distracted to even notice.

I joined a local gym recently and have embraced the work out classes they offer. A few years back a friend and I started yoga. We would laugh and cut up and have a good ole time but never really took it seriously. I wanted to go into the class this time with a fresh outlook and really try to take it seriously. I'm so glad that I did. I need the peace and quiet a few times a week all the while while having an amazing workout at the same time. As I feel my body getting stronger, I feel my mind at ease. And believe me, with some of the bat shit crazies I deal with in a day I'm thankful for the relief. I know that comment wasn't very nice but I did start this off by saying that I was TRYING......and I am. But just like everything else I've ever done I'm taking the scenic route to get there.

Peachtree Road Race take 5!!

We're tagged up and ready to go!

Alex, Brian and me

me and my hubby

Alex and Brian

(how's the weather down there dad :)

I LOVE the start of the race!

BEAUTIFUL!!

here we go!

the sights

the Bald Eagles were a huge hit!

This gentlemen was my motivation to get up cardiac hill.

And believe me, it worked!

SWEET SWEET SUCCESS!

This was Brian and I's 5th year of participating in the Peachtree Road Race. This 10K has become part of our 4th of July tradition. Although I've done the race in previous years, I've never run the whole thing. I was determined this year to run the full 6.2 miles. My son Alex stayed with me and helped me over my 4 mile hump. He was such a good motivator and kept me laughing all most the whole time.

(except for the one part around mile 5 that I thought I was going to throw up, that was SO NOT funny)

 I finished the race in 1 hour and 6 minutes.

My superman hubby wanted to beat 44 minutes and he did, with a time of 43 minutes and 55 seconds.

Yes he does ROCK!!

this little piggie

Super cute matching flippy flops and freshly painted sun kissed toes, just another reason why I LOVE summer!!

me time

At the end of a long summer day - after all the watermelon has been eaten, the battles of the day have been extinguished, the fifth round of sandwiches have been devoured, the sunscreens been washed away and bodies have been (at least half way) showered, that's my favorite time.

I grab my latest magazine - titled something about cooking - my cocktail of choice and sit on my porch and thank the lord for the crazy day he has given me and for the strength to do it all over again the next day.

Run Heidi Run!!

Back in February when our frozen tundra was finally lifting and I was coming out of my gumbo, chili, and potato soup coma I decided that this year....2011.... was going to be the year that I get into shape.

Like real shape.

Like when I blow dry my hair my arm flags don't slap me in the cheeks and my behind gets back to it's natural resting place, you know off the backs of my legs.

I've always enjoyed walking and can walk for miles. The problem is walking doesn't really do for me what I need to be done. Another problem is I don't like sweat or sore muscles or pushing myself hard or at all for that matter.
So what does a person that doesn't like any of those things decide she is going to do?

She decides to become a runner....

Your laughing with me, RIGHT??

This is (as is most things) all my husbands fault. The man is one of those effortless looking runners. Only I know it's not effortless. I know the pain he is in, the ice bathes he soaks in, the blisters he shaves off his feet, the leg spasm isms he has, but still while he is running, he is smooth, and graceful and he makes me want to punch him in the face. He pushes through everything and always keeps on going.

I've tried for years to run. My knees hurt, my back hurts, my ear lobes hurt, you name it and it hurt.
Never once did I think, well, it is RUNNING and it ain't suppose to not hurt!!

But for some reason I decided this year was going to be different. No matter what body part hurt, I was going to keep trying.

And I have....
And I'm doing better.

It's not pretty at all, but I'm not quitting. The first week in June I started doing a boot camp, three times a week and that has motivated me even more. The first week was rough but I feel better and stronger at the end of each week. And not only better and stronger in my body but in my mind. I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have, lord help me I'm sweating like a whore in church on a regular basis. I have 3 running days a week, and I'm learning that my progress is only going to go as far as I allow it.
I really am the captain of my own ship Mr. Morgan Freeman!!

I told my girlfriend the other morning (the same girlfriend that I talked into doing the butt crack of dawn boot camp with me :) I don't know what's going to kill me first, being a 35 year old college student or trying to be a runner. But just like my first semester at school, yes it was hard, yes it sucked some times. But it was all worth it when I registered for my next semester of school. And not for any other reason other than I accomplished it. I know it's silly, but silly seems to be my new middle name.

Oh and did I mention I signed up to do a half marathon in November?? There was no alcohol involved when making the decision and I'm actually really excited about it. Probably more excited about my 13.1 magnet that I can't wait to sport on my car :)
I'm up to 3-4 miles straight, at an eleven minute pace, like with no oxygen masks or ambulances involved!
I know I have a long way to go but I'm ready, well at least I think I'm ready.

I'll keep you posted.........

my own paradise

For some reason my imagination takes me away in the summer time.
I start to think, could we really move to a beach/ocean front area? Where my kids go to school shirtless with sand between their toes; surf during lunch and say things like hang ten and dude?
Could my hubby and I set up a little tiki stand and sell smoothies and sophisticated frozen beverages to the locals and have cool names like Leilani [lay lah nee] and Mano [mah no]? Could I trade in Ann Taylor Loft for a swim shop and walk around in a bikini and not worry about cellulite and stretch marks everyday?

I think I enjoy the laid back aspect of summer more than I realize. We all have activities going on all through the summer (boot camp, track practice, swim team practice). Sleeping late means 6:30 in our house and our days are full; but there is no homework, no last minute supplies needed, and dinner at 9 o'clock with a side of watermelon is fully acceptable.

More than anything I like that I get to enjoy the longer days with my kids. By the end of some days I'm ready to strangle all 3 of them but I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Could I trade in suburbia for paradise? Nah, I'm a city girl through and through, but a little day dream never hurt anybody. Or an afternoon cocktail for that matter, excuse me while I enjoy my summer :)

That's What Thinking Gets Me.

I thought this year they (or one) might complain about yet another tradition.
I waited for the moans, for the REALLY mom, I'm so not doing that.
I prepared myself for the heartbreak to come if (the one) offspring decided this was the year that he was done.
I rehearsed what I would say and how I would remind him of stretch marks, and leaky bladders and dammit just do it and like it!

But instead of all that, I got this....

No arguing, no eye rolling, and by lord there were even a few compliments about color choices and patterns that were thrown out there. I just sat back and listened and didn't say a word.

That boy and I have been dying eggs together for 16 years, and I'm so glad he isn't sick of me yet :)

Does That Make Me CRAZY?!!

We're now ending the second full week of our kitchen remodel and I am S L O W L Y losing my mind. Or maybe after you read this you will say, "um hun you have ALREADY lost it."

We have had 3 different delivery dates for our appliances, each time it has been pushed back by a week or so and the two appliances that I need in order to have my kitchen at least half way livable are of course the ones that are STILL on back order.

I haven't seen my husband in what feels likes years. Between his travel, the activities of the 3 humans that wrecked my bladder and my classes, I don't think I could pick the man out of a police line up.
I informed him via text message the other day, that I am in need of hotel sex.

Preferably with him.

If he was interested to make arrangements and write it on fridge calendar. I then began answering some other texts that I had gotten that day.
A short time later I got a message back saying "he looked at his calendar and he couldn't make the first one."

All righty then.

Then another message that said, "he was right on it."

"Right on what?" I messaged back.

"Making hotel arrangements for the race", he said.

And that was when I realized I messaged my girlfriend, that I wanted to have hotel sex with her(and she hadn't seen it yet); instead of about 2 races we were talking about doing, one in which we needed a hotel room.

Thank the lord our husbands work together and she knows how crazy everyone has been lately. When I spoke with her later she told me she laughed so hard and so long that she peed her pants and couldn't stop.

Then she said, "so then should I cancel the room I booked us?"

God I love my girlfriends!!

ID please

I have never been a fan of the library.  I've always thought it was like this secret club for all the smart kids. Where you have to knock a certain amount of times and I can never remember it's 2 or 4  and then the librarian gets aggravated with me (quietly of course) and says, "ID please"and after its been scanned they point me over to the Nancy Drew books and say, "well good luck with that."

After I had my first child I embraced the library; we would go to story time twice a week and check out numerous books every visit. I never ventured past the young readers section, and I was totally fine with that.

My first semester at KSU dropped me right back into the knocking 2 or 4 times dilemma. I needed the library for a project on South Africa, most of my sources came from on line sites but for the sake of presentation (and my grade) I needed a "real book" source. When your not familiar with libraries in general, having your first real experience in a college one is a little nerve racking.
Which floor are the TR books located?
Why are the references books always so far away from the bathrooms?
And where in the hell is the card catalog?!!

This semester my English class has been as hard core as they come(well for a non-English major anyway). We've had a paper due every week, sometimes 2 in a week. 40% of our final grade will be based on a 4 page-10 source annotated bibliography that's due on Monday, followed by (a few weeks later) a 12 page research paper on a topic that we had to come up with based on the book the Omnivore's Dilemma, that we've been reading this semester.

Needless to say, I've had to find my "hidden inner love" for the library. The first time I ventured in to get some research done, the kids at the information desk were a tremendous help. They might of been laughing at the old lady with all the questions but they at least pointed me in the right direction and NOT towards the Nancy Drew books.

I found myself today needing to add a quote to my paper that I found in one of the millions of reference medical books that I've looked through in the past month. I walked to my aisle, dropped my bag on the floor right in front of my book, popped a squat and started writing. When I was done I looked around and chuckled to myself. I laughed because, the old lady was feeling pretty good in the old smart kids hangout. I realized that there never was a secret knock, it was (once again) my own insecurities holding me back all these years.

Then I looked around again to make sure no one was watching me because getting down on the floor that I was now so comfortable on, was so much cuter than getting up off of it :)

Herding Cats

The very first time I heard this I thought to my self, what a cute little catchy phrase. I immediately googled it to make sure that my interpretation of what I had just heard was indeed the correct one.
Herding cats as defined by Wikipedia is -  a saying that refers to a task that is extremely difficult or impossible to do, due to one or more variables being in flux and uncontrollable.

When I heard this saying years ago my kids were little and cute and 2 out of the 3 could barely talk. As time has evolved, my children have slowly started turning into those said cats that were in the saying I heard years before.

No, they don't walk on all 4's or purr and hiss at people.
No, they don't potty in a litter box, then walk in it, then walk all over my counters and furniture.
And no, they don't lie around and paw and lick themselves all day either. With puberty on the horizon though, who knows how long that last one will stay an untrue.

15, 11 and 8 are my offspring's ages as of today. A teen, pre-teen and a wanna be teen are the (task) part of the definition. I also believe that those same three ingredients could stand for the one or more variables being in flux and uncontrollable.

I'm not saying by any means that my kids are unruly and uncontrollable. But I do feel sometimes that the pulse that I thought my finger was just on, jumps around on me when I'm not looking and I need to re-position the fetal monitor to find it again. In plain mans terms, right when something starts to fit really well, the size changes on me. 

In recent days 1 child has acquired a driver's permit and now believes it is his job to take out every single curb in my neighborhood, 1 child that is starting to have girls ask him out and he JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, and another one that wants me to make her division flash cards and quiz her just for kicks :)

Herding ANY amount of children is a challenge. Trying to keep up with their everyday lives and living to tell about it, is the stuff that legends are made of. In the end if I don't feed them to many trans fats and give them a little less material to tell their psychologist about then my job will have been done, RIGHT?  And after all is done and they still like me after all the herding is finished and Brian and I get invites every week every so often for coffee and Sunday dinner; then that my friends is whats called Lagniappe. And Lagniappe is what any good ole New Orleans girl is all about.

economy pack

Maybe this is why I've had to add Pepcid AC - 100 count box, to my grocery list.

what day is it?

The day after New Years I packed up Christmas tightly and put it away until next year. I proudly set up my Mardi Gras decorations and once again had to remind people what exactly Mardi Gras means.

I always get the typical.....What is boobs and Bourbon Street Alec, for $800?

Sorry stupid, that's not the right answer, try again next year or just google it!

The kids returned to school on a Tuesday and the craziness began to circle all around us again. I fired up the printer downstairs and started to print my syllabus's and schedules for my upcoming semester. Life had returned to normal after a peaceful 2 weeks off for Christmas break.

Sometime on Thursday right when I was embracing the whirlwind that is my life, we heard the first talk about SNOW yet again in Georgia. Yes, after being blessed with a VERY WHITE Christmas, we were apparently going to be blessed yet again. Over the weekend it was a mad dash to the store to stock up on supplies- milk, bread, brownies, cookies, beer,  you know the essentials to make everyday life bearable. I had my menu planned, and we were ready to bring on the snow. Sunday night it came through and wouldn't you know it we had a SNOW DAY on Monday, YIPPEE, for day 1!

Of course the red neck sledding began before the biscuits were even out of the oven, well at least only a little red neck sledding. A friend of ours picked up a toboggan thing for the kids to use. But of course the boogie and skim boards still made an appearance.
I found myself saying OVER AND OVER again, if you crack your head open on the pavement that is under the 6 INCHES of snow, I've got nothing but a band aid, neosporin and a prayer for you, sorry but the roads are CLOSED!
But fun was had by all in spite of my barks :)

 this is AWESOME!

 this is the elementary school by our house, what a FUN DAY!

 yes that's me, in all my gracefulness, I did have my band aid's handy!

 and that would be my child standing up going down a hill on a boogie board. Did I mention I had neosporin?

 my snow babies!

Snow day #2 came and it was very much like the first one. Sledding in unsafe conditions, snow flurries, wind burned cheeks, hot chocolate on tap and lots and lots of food. On the second day I took a ride with one of my neighbors to the store and,all though, the main roads had been plowed and looked like they were in good condition, the secondary roads were a snowy, icy mess. I told my neighbor, these kids are going to be out all week long.

And guess what blogging buddies, Tuesday turned into Wednesday, Wednesday into Thursday and Thursday into WHAT IN THE HELL DAY IS IT and why are all these kids in my house and by lord who left their snow covered boots on my hardwood floors AGAIN?!

The kids are off on Monday for MLK day and then it's back to school on Tuesday! I have thoroughly enjoyed an unexpected week off of the craziness. And I will thoroughly enjoy waving to the big yellow bus as it pulls away on Tuesday. The kids have a superstitious thing they do when hoping for a snow day around here. They wear the pj's backwards and flush an ice cube down the toilet. Well just to make sure Mother Nature or Old Man Winter know that we're done with snow days around here, I'm sleeping naked until summer and I have banned all flushing of toilets in my house before bed. If that doesn't scare the BEJESSUS out of the winter gods I don't know what else will!